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Humor - Torque Sucks

Posted by askanison on 2005.07.20 at 06:56
Image hosted by Photobucket.comI just wasted 84 minutes of my life watching what is possibly one of the worst movies that I have ever seen. Since I am a well-known connoisseur of horrendous films, that's saying a lot. What is this movie that makes babies cry and their mothers scream in agony? This movie is called Torque. Torque was so bad that I actually took notes on it just so I could write this review and save each and every one of you the agonizing task of watching this movie for yourself.

First of all, the information blurb on the cable guide said that Torque is from the creator of The Fast and the Furious, which is not surprising, since this movie is basically a dumbed-down version of said action flick. That alone should signify how disturbingly bad this movie is, however it goes so much deeper than that. Upon further investigation at my trusted IMDB, I couldn't actually find a single link between the two movies as far as creators go, so this movie actually just ends up to be a huge ripoff of another terrible movie.

Well, let's begin with the characters. Torque has the basic cast of characters you would expect from a mind-numbing car/bike/boat/kayak/whathaveyou action movie. There's the sexy young up-and-coming actor playing the lead; in this case said actor is the guy from The Ring. While he played a pretty solid role in The Ring, acting takes a backseat to the super-high-contrast permanent sunset shaded EA games style CG sequences and horrible, horrible one-liners. To add insult to injury, his character is named "Ford." Continuing in the theme of cookie-cutter casts is the hot lead girl, who strangely resembles pretty much every other hot lead actress in every other action movie ever. Her and Ford seem almost ready to hump in every scene, but they abstain so that they can keep that edgy PG-13 rating. To round out the cast, we've got a cocky FBI agent, and of course, Ice Cube. Need I say more?

The script, directing, story, and everything else about this movie are so bad that they make me shiver even to recall. Director Joseph Kahn makes Michael Bay look like Fellini. In addition to the aforementioned bad computer graphics, he really loves to overuse that super-dramatic perspective-shifting zoom that you often see during poignant scenes in real movies. Every line of dialogue in the movie is certified crap, the best one being "I live my life a quarter mile at a time," which of course is FROM THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS. Plus, even I, who respects all absurd and unbelievable action sequences, could not help but laugh at some of the most ridiculous and just physically unnatural action sequences that I have ever seen.

There are a few positive aspects of Torque, however bad it may be. The kawaii color scheme and super fast motion led to some decent eye candy, while gear heads will likely enjoy some of the pretty sweet ass bikes. Other highlights include an H2 crushing a Volkswagen, a badass meth addict villain (who oddly reminds me of that drugged up guy from Robocop 2), and a Mountain Dew sponsored chick bike fight.

Seriously, though, if they had just thrown the chick fight on a DVD and sold it, this movie would have been better. Hell, make a whole series and call it "Girls On Bikes Go Wild," and I'd buy it. It's just that the utter crap and mediocrity that this movie put forth were simply intolerable. It made me wish that it was The Fast and the Furious, and that's saying a lot. To prove to you how bad this movie is, I leave you with this thought: The movie ends with the Nickelback song "Someday." Ugh.

Rating: 5 Giglis
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Torque: If Chad Kroeger made a movie, it would still be better than this.

I've cross posted this entry from my journal because I think it fits well here.

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